When was the first time you remember asking where babies come from? If you have children, when did they ask? Now the important question, what did you tell them?
My views of sex were skewed even before I asked.
My parents got a divorce when I was about five years old. At that time, we lived in California. My dad ended up driving my mom, two younger sisters and me to Columbus, Ohio. Once there, we were dropped off at my grandmere’s house to stay until we got on our feet.
Everything seemed to go back to normal shortly. I was in school and my mom finally got an apartment. Eventually she met a man. When she worked nights at the nursing home, she would leave him to watch us.
Shortly after that, I cannot remember how long, but that man began to molest me. Not surprisingly enough, it kept going for two years.
Within those two years, I cannot say how many incidents there were. A few of them stick out vividly in my mind, but other than that I could not say.
When my mother began a nursing class and brought us to watch a movie on how babies were born, I put two and two together noting that some of the things being said in the video were some of the same things I recognized.
There had been touching of the genitalia. The one thing that was missing was, I was not an adult and he was. Once it became apparent it was wrong, I wrote it down but never revealed it…except to one of my sisters.
Once my mom was told by said sister, it started a round of questions and making sure I was telling the truth.
Growing up was tough. Raging teenage hormones. Except for mine. I had little interest in sex whatsoever. And rightly so, I had been violated and felt that any sexual contact was a violation.
I was a virgin until I was 17. Typically, I lost my virginity the night of my senior prom to my first boyfriend of three years. I don’t remember much, but it took a long time to even get comfortable for this boy to touch my boob! It was a long three years.
Once I became sexually open, going into my college start, things in my mind about sex began to change.
My 4 Myths About Sex
- Sex will always be violating. Being touched as a kid is definitely the most vile of violations there could be. It is very unsettling. There is no consent given to touch a child at all. As an adult, you actually give consent. I thought that sex happened like it did when I was a child. Men could do what they wanted when they wanted and didn’t need permission. I’m glad I was wrong.
- All men are monsters by design and only wanted sex from women. I later found out that my senior year boyfriend started to date me because he wanted to have sex with me. He claims it changed, eventually, but that was his initial motive. Over time, I found that there are many types of men. Although some do only want sex from women, others see their value as a human being.
- I will never find pleasure from sex and think about those moments as a kid when I started to have sex. Up until my later relationships, I actually started to find the pleasures of sex and most importantly with whom I was having sex with. There were times I could not bring myself to have sex with someone because of my thoughts and memories. Sometimes, even today, I believe that my lack of wanting sex, sometimes, is due to those thoughts. Since I have been a Pure Romance Consultant, I have been able to bring my brain back to the moment.
- Sex is not for reproducing. As I was growing up, I never wanted kids because of what happened to me. You never know what could happen and that was not a risk I was willing to take. Now, I would like to have a kid or two. I figure with the right person, we could keep out child safe and teach them what I didn’t know.
I am not 25 years removed from that incident. I still experience some anxieties toward men, but truth be told, I’d rather hang out with them than women. Still, it has taken some time for me to open myself sexually to men.
Since I have gone through these things, I figured others might as well. That’s why I began writing a book. At this point, the book is still in writing production. The title, for now, is Sexy Me: A Journey to Opening Your Sexual Self After a Sexual Abuse.
Visit my website, http://www.DesireablePhoenix.com and subscribe to my e-mail list. Get updates on the book, events, and any future programs.
Until Next Saturday.